I woke up really early … before 7am … and decided to read how me and my bf got together … I shan’t lie it wasn’t the best of ways to get together and we were riddled with more bad than good situations yet we managed to overcome them and here we are still strong going into our 7th month …

When I wanted him so much and it seemed as if I was about to lose the best thing because of silly mistakes I had made many months before … I wrote something that put everything back into perspective for me …

I wrote ” All I want is for you to tell me you love me … for us to be snuggling … for you to be holding my hips and kissing my neck … ‘ 

Yet now I am this unbelievable demanding banchi :D … I think looking back at the past has put what I really want back into perspective for me …

Boo all those ‘faults’ that I keep moaning about - it’s irrelevant, i love you for you, and honestly when it gets down to it all I want from you is to know and to feel that you love me just as much …

From my blogs this week you can tell it’s been a hard time for me and my beau, but we worked through it and came out of it … I’m not crying silly tears no more … I’m just happy to know that, that banchi in me has been slayed and I’m back to kinda normal free loving tej … the woman that my man has always loved from the beginning  

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Now to sort out my weight

Sigh* 

I just tried on a skirt i used to wear out all the time 

It doesnt fit anymore

fml …. 

So I seem to be in between a rock and a hard place at the moment … I have no motivation what so ever to achieve the goals that I want to achieve in my life in the near future … I am unhappy with the way I look yet I eat as if I want to carry on gaining more and more weight … 

I am unhappy with my relationship because I am not being the girlfriend that my man needs me to be … and you can see it in his face … his frustrated, upset and doesn’t know what to do … he wants me to be that girl he first met the loving girlfriend that would do anything for him but now he has a girl that is so caught up in her own (self made) dramas she cannot even be the woman he needs …

This realisation needs to kick start me into sorting things out  … need to sort myself out!

It’s a friday and usually I’m really really happy … because from 5pm onwards … no work for 2 whole days but this morning I woke up sad probs will go to work sad and just reflecting the evening events … 

Firstly, I am my own worst enemy … when something is amazing and is mine all I want to do is mess it up … not carry on being the normal tej that managed to get something so amazing … just crazy tej who just messes up shish … and you know what I think hes no breaking point … he can’t take the drama … says I need to grow up … he said a lot of things that hurt me yesterday … maybe they hurt me because I know its partly the truth … 

But even tho he was hurt … fed up … tired … sad … all he could do was speak to me to try and piece together the few shreds of out relationship that remained when all I wanted to do was stamp on it … I really take for granted how good I get it sometimes … and it made me realise that I need to get out my old ways and start a new with him …

Because you know what he said if he could he would end it with me to stop the constant upset i keep causing him but he can’t because he loves me too much and cannot bear to be without me … but the reality is … if i keep on pushing him … one day he will probably not love me anymore and will just leave me …

So there it is … how can i enjoy friday with this whirlling through my head all night and all morning … knowing that if I don’t fix up … if I don’t change my childish ways … I may lose the best thing I’ve had for a long time forever …

I was even going to write some good news on hear but don’t have the heart to anymore … just sad sad tej :(  

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Ok saddness over :)

I’m not going to be sad all day because well today is friday and also I have some good news … my relationship maybe be going through a pretty damn rough period *sigh* … (hate sad unhappy relationships … sucks) but things are going from strength to strength with my parents … so we are moving … well my parents are moving and i’m moving with them and they deserve this because they have worked pretty damn hard for everything they have so basically … I am really really happy proud … like just so happy for them … and honestly I am just really happy for them 

wooo go mum and dad x 

I’m going for it this month … I am going for it … yes you heard me right … nothing is holding me back this month … I am done with everything (well almost everything) but most things are done with :) 

This is the first true month where my paycheck is mine to do as i please with …. I know …. Exciting right!!!!! …. I have had to sit and watch my boyfriend get all these beautiful things and also start developing himself and i paid off my hugeeeeeeeeeeee overdraft :)

So at first I was going to go crazy and shop … and I mean shop … but then I gained a little perspective … there are more important things that I need to focus on … for example ….

1. WHY HAVE I STILL NOT PASSED MY DRIVING TEST - omgosh this is embarrassing now I need to sort it out … so yeah the bulk of my cash is going to fund actually passing that damn test 

2. I’m very round nowadays I really should join the gym and omgosh isn’t it expensive …. it is but I need to sort it out … I need to be looking hot at 22 not like a hot cross bun (round and wide)

3. why have I still not put my application for my course at birbeck … I have dreams and inspirations I dont want to be doing this nine to five job forever, but I am finding it so hard to write an inspirational personal statement … I need to become creative again and this is what my long bank holiday weekend shall consist off … creating an inspirational personal statement around economics …

So yeah I’m not going to treat myself with any nice clothes or ugg boots until I have finally achieved my goals

Woooo and plus the weather should be getting warmer so ugg boots in october ….

Anyways feels like I have not blogged in like forever and it actually took me forever to finally post this

But yeah Now onto finally being motivated to achieve my goals …